Writer's Block

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It's been weeks since I have written something decent aside from my food blog. Even my food blog is suffering from my incapacity to write anything because I feel anxious about a lot of things.

The more I feel pressured about so many things, the more I keep things to myself, thus, I believe has led to this; Writer's Block.

The other night, try as I might to concentrate, I couldn't. I just couldn't bring myself to focus on one single thing. But watching one darn movie, tears began to flow, breathing began to constrict, and then I started crying like crazy, I just couldn't stop. At least I felt a little better and got my 'little' focus back.

Yesterday, I had to do many chores, and I have been procrastinating for a while. I started jotting down notes on things that I should do, procrastinate a bit, but then again, pushed myself to do one thing at a time. Wow, 93% of them were done yesterday.

I have a few more things to do, but this fear inside me in gnawing. It's hard to let go. This is something that I wanted so bad and I have to take a test for it. I am so afraid to fail. Which is, I can't really afford to fail. I have so many worries that are not beyond my control. Only this fear is limiting me from all these things. Writing is my ONLY outlet and if I can't write, then I feel stuck and full to a point of bursting.

I am glad I did jot down notes on things to do. It also helped that I decided to write a few words here just to give myself a go.

Christmas and my Wish List

I was at the gym today doing some treadmill exercise while watching this Elf movie. All of a sudden, this burst of sadness engulfed me, and I burst out crying heaps of tears. I cannot hold it back. I must have held it back for so long, trying to look strong that I can no longer take it anymore.

Silly as it may seem but when I saw that movie, for a moment there, I wished that Santa Claus was real. I didn't know why I wished that, because I didn't grew up believing in him. It would have been nice to live that child's dream that I never experienced.

IF Santa was real, I would have ask something real. I would wish for courage to see things through, for patience about everything that is unraveling in front of me, for work to continue so that I can earn and be able to support my son sufficiently without depending on anybody just to get through.

I wouldn't want to ask him for things. I can work on those to get them. I wish for more choices and not limitations.

There are so many if and buts, my mind is all confused and worked up, there's only that something in my heart that I wanted and need. It won't stop me from wishing and pursuing it, but I am hoping all this pain would stop.

Defeat the self-defeatist attitude

How do you defeat an enemy that you are so afraid to face?
How do you defeat the negative side of yourself?

Have you ever had that moment where you felt that you are not good enough? That you are always bound to fail? I do. I have this self-defeatist attitude. I am struggling REALLY HARD to overcome this. You see, I always wanted to be somebody. Not equally famous, but at least somebody in my own right. To know that I can do something that can rival anybody in equal passion.

Reflection in the Mirror

It's been a while since I took a good look at myself in the mirror. I do not like what I saw. I saw a disheveled person standing there. A person that is humongous, defiant, proud and well...unsure of herself.

But what did I really see? Why do I tend to avoid looking at the mirror? The truth is, I saw what is beyond my reflection. I saw what is beyond the physical image.

I saw that person standing small, unsure and frightened, confused and frustrated, angry and bewildered. The person I saw, was somebody broken and shattered in spirit. I do not like what I saw. I  definitely did not. What I saw was my inner core, and I cannot accept what I have become.

What has happened to me? When did I let myself go? Where was my once proud self who can compete and talk to anybody if I wish to? Now, I live my life in hiding. I cannot accept myself. I am ashamed of me. Everyday, I feel like I am being sucked into that downward spiral called misery, and I hate that.

How do you confront this kind of shame? How do you get out of this quicksand? How?

Challenge Yourself!

I absolutely agree to this statement! Instead of sulking my a** here over many things, I'd rather use that negativity to develop myself. I want to be better. I don't want to be proving anybody wrong, but I want to prove myself that I can be better. Self-Assessment is good for you when the things tough up.

What better way to do that than challenge yourself? Here's my 'bucket list' of challenges set out for myself to accomplish this year:

Self-Assessment

Everything seems fuzzy lately. I am so confused and bewildered with my life that I don't really get what's going on. I constantly over-think. I worry about things that I cannot control.

For a time there, I thought I was good enough. I was told I was good at something. You know what? I am not. That's not true. I do not know what I am worth. That may be the reason people take me for granted as well. What I give out to the world reflects back. If I think I am not worthy? Why would they think that I am, right?

Lost Inside My Mind

I am definitely out of my mind as of late. I don't know how to get in touch with my reality. There are so much on my mind lately that you can be literally talk to me and I wouldn't be able to hear or understand you.

Physically present but mentally absent. Do you ever have that? I think this is depression all over again.

The Useless Person

Photo Credits: daniela09.edublogs.org

 Tonight, after coming home from the gym, my mom told me something. I was tired, I was sweaty and I really don't have the patience to listen to nagging or advice or help after being constantly berated about my laziness, stubbornness, being a slow-poke or whatever there is you can say about me day-in and day out.