I was at the gym today doing some treadmill exercise while watching this Elf movie. All of a sudden, this burst of sadness engulfed me, and I burst out crying heaps of tears. I cannot hold it back. I must have held it back for so long, trying to look strong that I can no longer take it anymore.
Silly as it may seem but when I saw that movie, for a moment there, I wished that Santa Claus was real. I didn't know why I wished that, because I didn't grew up believing in him. It would have been nice to live that child's dream that I never experienced.
IF Santa was real, I would have ask something real. I would wish for courage to see things through, for patience about everything that is unraveling in front of me, for work to continue so that I can earn and be able to support my son sufficiently without depending on anybody just to get through.
I wouldn't want to ask him for things. I can work on those to get them. I wish for more choices and not limitations.
There are so many if and buts, my mind is all confused and worked up, there's only that something in my heart that I wanted and need. It won't stop me from wishing and pursuing it, but I am hoping all this pain would stop.
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