| Photo Credits: daniela09.edublogs.org |
Tonight, after coming home from the gym, my mom told me something. I was tired, I was sweaty and I really don't have the patience to listen to nagging or advice or help after being constantly berated about my laziness, stubbornness, being a slow-poke or whatever there is you can say about me day-in and day out.
I don't have any excuses, I just snapped. Can't she just give me a minute to take a deep breath? To catch myself. I said, "Oh my God, you are starting again." Then the rant and cussing began.
I am a useless person, I really began to think that maybe I really am. No. I am a useless person. I am useless because I can't do whatever it is that she wants me to do. To be as ORGANIZED as she is. To live a life on fast track. To be aggressive. To be always on the go. To be proactive. Whatever that means. She says I move like a worm. I will never succeed in life. Perhaps I should just go back where I came from and live my life and get married and continue to be useless and live in misery.
I think I really am useless you know. I clean the house the best way I can. I am having a hard time adjusting to all these changes around me and I am afraid. I have a son that I have to take care of. I want to work but I can't because I don't have a driver's license just yet. I am EXTREMELY frustrated because I really want to work right away but I can't because I have too many things to consider.
After being told that I was useless, I felt like I was some kind of garbage. The more you push, prod, insult me, the more I fight back and the more I will resist the change. I know I am making this hard on myself. It's just too damn hard!
I know I can make a difference, but I am just too proud to give in to her. I want to do things my way. Not because she pushed me to.
I am not a stupid useless person. When I came where I am at, I helped in many ways that goes unappreciated. Not that I needed it, really. I live in their house. I eat their food. They also eat my food but they pay for the house rent and utilities. You get what I mean?
Now, it seems like everyone else expects me to clean after them. My sister issues orders like I am a housemaid. They get angry when I don't cook.
Lately, I get very confused a lot. And angry, very angry. I cannot reach out. I feel so alone. I just want to curl up in a corner and die.
I don't know how to turn this around.
I'm overwhelmed by my own screwups and fuckups, and that's without being a mother. Living in my first,apartment, with no hope of ever being competent enough to take care of anything bigger or afford anything else. Too screwed up for a relationship, my money goes to fix my car because I'm a shitty driver. My family wants me to be something I'm not, or else.
ReplyDeleteI have no advice. This is as good as it gets. I often wonder why I bother sticking around. The world demands too much & overwhelms me.