Ready to Jump Ship

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The week before today, I was ready to bolt. My fear was so great, I haven't really thought of facing it. I just wanted to go away.

I made a mistake in one of my applications, and the end result of that would have been devastating if it was really a mistake. I wasn't ready for it. I couldn't face another failure. I prepared myself to pack my bags and call it quits.

When you have grown up in an environment where everything and everyone is on your back for the littlest, stupid thing they can see in you, you would become defensive. Always prepared for a comeback. Always have a back-up plan in case things go wrong.

That is how I think. I am always paranoid. Always suspicious. My thoughts ran to 100 mph, all because of one worry. Worry that almost drove me to the brink of madness by just thinking about it. I have thought of worst possible scenarios in my head. One thing is for sure, I was ready to go home and leave everything behind.

Courage prevailed, after all, I waited a long time to have what I have now, and 14 years seems worthy enough for one last fight. All it took was one phone call. No matter what the outcome, at least I tried to face it, and deal with it the best I can.

Very timely that I encountered this post in Facebook. I could have saved myself the trouble, the worry, and the possible heart-attack if I didn't jump into a thousand conclusions. All I needed was to ask. Less than five minutes, all my worries have dissolved. I was in tears for being so relieved.

Yesterday, I asked God about this problem. I asked for guidance, and help. No matter how hypocrite I have become, denying Him, doubting, He always come through, not always to my favor, but He does come through. Mostly to answer my questions.