Defining my Reality

I cannot compare my life to others, it would be unfair and incomparable. Everyone is in some kind of struggle. Sometimes, others are in deeper shit than I am.

At this point, I am in a a debilitating state of fear. One mistake, and everything that I worked hard to hold in my hand is going to dissolve like a bad dream.

14 years I have waited for this to become real. I cannot accept that this is going to be the end of my faith. I have several options to get going; Go back home, come back and start all over or I can simply just hang myself to die. That's how miserable I am feeling right now.

Selfish, yes. I cannot help it. If not for my son, I wouldn't even think of moving out of my bed. I just want to stay in there and sulk and hope that everything will go away. I know it won't, so here's to hoping.

My reality has always been about struggle, patience, persistence, and hard work. ALWAYS. The theme is never different but harder every time.

I wish I can understand what God wants me to understand so I can move on. I was out there, I was already moving ahead, so why now? why this?

I do not want to compare, but there are times when you are just tired of sucking it up, and when you turn your head to the other direction, you see other people who barely struggle for anything. Some don't even deserve it.

I wish that my jealousy and envy would just go away. It doesn't help when I have hit rock bottom like this. I work harder for the things I want to achieve. I don't expect things to get easier, but please can I just get a breather? Please?