I am questioning my faith of the Divine.

I believed in right and wrong. In angels and demons. I was brought to believe that in every sin, there is a corresponding karma. Not only I believe in that, I breathe it. It wasn't because it was taught to me. It is in my 34 years of wisdom living in this world that I have seen it, experienced it firsthand to claim that what I believe is true to me.

I am not a churchgoer. I have stepped back away from organized followings because there are too many things that contradict the teachings. That didn't stop me from believing in a Supreme God.

I always commune directly to Him. All my musings, frustrations, anger, longing, pleading, praying, anything, I spoke directly to Him. There was once that my prayers and questions are answered. That was before I came to where I am now.

Lately, there are too many things that has happened. Not all of them bad. I have my fair share of good moments. This recent event has rocked my reality so bad, it sent me scrambling to my catatonic state of mind. I can feel my depression looming again.

I always believed that all things happen for a reason. The answers are not readily available, but always revealed in time. Always.

I don't ever want to question His existence, because if I do so, then my so-called faith will be non-existent. Earlier, I asked myself, "What if He really doesn't exist?", that all my miseries and communication with Him were only a product of the belief that there is no such Being that exist?

Even by just thinking these thoughts are blasphemous to me. I contradict myself. More often, He answers my prayers. Not by giving me what I asked, but mostly giving me ANSWERS to all my doubts.

At this point, I can't hear Him. I am too drowned in my own misery. I can feel the dark looming overhead. I don't want it. I just needed answers.

I needed to get this all out before I start to go crazy. Right now, my heart is in-between a rock and a hard place. I need reassurance from Him that everything will be okay, that He hasn't left me.

I don't believe that I am brought to here, now, only to suffer be brought back to wherever hell I came from. I wanted to believe that He will get me through this. He always have.