In the Spirit of Thanksgiving

Photo is not mine, I don't know who owns it.

I have always been such a whiner in my mind. I get frustrated easily when things don't go my way, right away. Talk about instant gratification.

When facing troubled times, my first solution would be death, with the following litany every time when everything else gets too overwhelming, "I would like to die right now!" That goes for every thinkable problem that goes my way.

When I just recovered from that terrible fear I had a few days back, I would have never noticed all the blessings I have, and how better my life has become in many ways than I perceived it to be.

I only tend to see WHAT I AM NOT GETTING, and WHAT IS NOT GOING MY WAY. I never thought of the things that have been made possible just because of what I have right now.

In the respect and observance of Thanksgiving, here is a list of things that I am thankful for, to name a few;

For every waking moment, because I get to see everyone alive and well,
For a job that I can go to everyday, tiring may be at the end of the day, but tiring in the sense that I did something today.
For the challenges, they help me learn to grow and cope life.
For friends, real and fake. You get to learn how to keep the good ones.
For the laughter, a happy soul is equal to a full stomach.
For the shelter, food, and clothing. Others do not have them, just lost them, or can't afford them.

Whenever I would start whining to myself over trivial things and wish to die, I would look back and think that there are people in worse situations that I am in, and would gratefully exchange their fate in mine.

I will try, really try harder to have a grateful heart every time.

Ready to Jump Ship

Image credit here

The week before today, I was ready to bolt. My fear was so great, I haven't really thought of facing it. I just wanted to go away.

I made a mistake in one of my applications, and the end result of that would have been devastating if it was really a mistake. I wasn't ready for it. I couldn't face another failure. I prepared myself to pack my bags and call it quits.

When you have grown up in an environment where everything and everyone is on your back for the littlest, stupid thing they can see in you, you would become defensive. Always prepared for a comeback. Always have a back-up plan in case things go wrong.

That is how I think. I am always paranoid. Always suspicious. My thoughts ran to 100 mph, all because of one worry. Worry that almost drove me to the brink of madness by just thinking about it. I have thought of worst possible scenarios in my head. One thing is for sure, I was ready to go home and leave everything behind.

Courage prevailed, after all, I waited a long time to have what I have now, and 14 years seems worthy enough for one last fight. All it took was one phone call. No matter what the outcome, at least I tried to face it, and deal with it the best I can.

Very timely that I encountered this post in Facebook. I could have saved myself the trouble, the worry, and the possible heart-attack if I didn't jump into a thousand conclusions. All I needed was to ask. Less than five minutes, all my worries have dissolved. I was in tears for being so relieved.

Yesterday, I asked God about this problem. I asked for guidance, and help. No matter how hypocrite I have become, denying Him, doubting, He always come through, not always to my favor, but He does come through. Mostly to answer my questions.

Defining my Reality

I cannot compare my life to others, it would be unfair and incomparable. Everyone is in some kind of struggle. Sometimes, others are in deeper shit than I am.

At this point, I am in a a debilitating state of fear. One mistake, and everything that I worked hard to hold in my hand is going to dissolve like a bad dream.

14 years I have waited for this to become real. I cannot accept that this is going to be the end of my faith. I have several options to get going; Go back home, come back and start all over or I can simply just hang myself to die. That's how miserable I am feeling right now.

Selfish, yes. I cannot help it. If not for my son, I wouldn't even think of moving out of my bed. I just want to stay in there and sulk and hope that everything will go away. I know it won't, so here's to hoping.

My reality has always been about struggle, patience, persistence, and hard work. ALWAYS. The theme is never different but harder every time.

I wish I can understand what God wants me to understand so I can move on. I was out there, I was already moving ahead, so why now? why this?

I do not want to compare, but there are times when you are just tired of sucking it up, and when you turn your head to the other direction, you see other people who barely struggle for anything. Some don't even deserve it.

I wish that my jealousy and envy would just go away. It doesn't help when I have hit rock bottom like this. I work harder for the things I want to achieve. I don't expect things to get easier, but please can I just get a breather? Please?

I am questioning my faith of the Divine.

I believed in right and wrong. In angels and demons. I was brought to believe that in every sin, there is a corresponding karma. Not only I believe in that, I breathe it. It wasn't because it was taught to me. It is in my 34 years of wisdom living in this world that I have seen it, experienced it firsthand to claim that what I believe is true to me.

I am not a churchgoer. I have stepped back away from organized followings because there are too many things that contradict the teachings. That didn't stop me from believing in a Supreme God.

I always commune directly to Him. All my musings, frustrations, anger, longing, pleading, praying, anything, I spoke directly to Him. There was once that my prayers and questions are answered. That was before I came to where I am now.

Lately, there are too many things that has happened. Not all of them bad. I have my fair share of good moments. This recent event has rocked my reality so bad, it sent me scrambling to my catatonic state of mind. I can feel my depression looming again.

I always believed that all things happen for a reason. The answers are not readily available, but always revealed in time. Always.

I don't ever want to question His existence, because if I do so, then my so-called faith will be non-existent. Earlier, I asked myself, "What if He really doesn't exist?", that all my miseries and communication with Him were only a product of the belief that there is no such Being that exist?

Even by just thinking these thoughts are blasphemous to me. I contradict myself. More often, He answers my prayers. Not by giving me what I asked, but mostly giving me ANSWERS to all my doubts.

At this point, I can't hear Him. I am too drowned in my own misery. I can feel the dark looming overhead. I don't want it. I just needed answers.

I needed to get this all out before I start to go crazy. Right now, my heart is in-between a rock and a hard place. I need reassurance from Him that everything will be okay, that He hasn't left me.

I don't believe that I am brought to here, now, only to suffer be brought back to wherever hell I came from. I wanted to believe that He will get me through this. He always have.