When Is enough, enough?

Mother's Day have come and gone. I received greetings, and cards, and be told of how amazing a mom I am, somehow, I cannot accept the compliment. I feel void and empty. I cannot say thank you because I feel that they are lying to my face.

I never wanted to become my mother. Yet my mother told me that I am a terrible person. She told me and scold me, and belittle me in front of my child. I can never be good enough in her eyes. No matter what I do, I will never measure up. I am always set up for failure. For years, I have fought that. I don't think I went far..

I never wanted her poisonous words to mar my person, but sometimes there will be days that it will get to you.

I never liked it when my son is with me, that my mom hovers over. She will point out everything that is wrong that I have been doing, and that she is right. Excuses or not. She is a terrible mother while I was growing up.

She beat me up when I did nothing wrong. She would blame and accuse me of everything even when the accusations are empty. Until now, she would still go on with her verbal abuse.

I am a working mother, yet she tells me she doesn't see me work hard enough.

I don't know, I am very suicidal at this point.

She wants to tell me all the negative things about me, yet she doesn't want to be answered back. I just can't put with the bullshit anymore. She has been playing the double-standard principle on me. I am not a six year old child that she can manipulate. Not anymore. No more.

Reality Check #2 Bullies Exist!

I just found this at random on Internet. This is not mine.

Lately, I just noticed that people have started belittling me. Making fun of how I speak or say things, mock me and where I came from. All these things, I am okay. I can stand my ground.

For a year, I never had a problem with my work until one program was added, and everyone else six other hydra heads came out. Many got jealous. Then my workload started getting slow. Then something happened. One coworker of mine messaged me to tell me HOW TO DO THINGS, this and that. Umm, no?

I don't think that it was right for that person to tell me about such and such because I am not doing anything wrong, and I am actually doing my job.

Being in America has shaken all my walls, this is a completely different scenario to what I was used to. I don't even know how to respond properly without sounding so pissed off. In  reality, I was very ticked off. If I didn't hold back, I don't know what I would have said.

I hate my professional self. One day, it is going to kill me.

This person was trying to intimidate me earlier. No, I wasn't intimidated, but I got angry. Angry at myself for not being witty in my responses. Angry because my ego hurt.

Coming to America, it made me realize so many things. It may be a good place to live in, but there are far too many horrible and hateful people around, saying many things about you while they are smiling at you. Scary.

Reality Check #1 - Security Measures

As I was browsing my Facebook feeds, I saw too many posts, some of importance, some of great relevance, and most, just totally senseless drama and attention-whoring status.

What a morning to start your day. As I continued to scroll down on my FB feeds, one article struck me. The one about posting security guards in school or installing metal detectors. I have always wondered about that. Here I am in the greatest country of the world (I consider that America), and they don't have manned security by their doors. They rely heavily on security cameras which can basically not do anything in the spur-of-the-moment happenings.

Don't mind me, I came from a third-world country where robbery, shooting and whatnots are a daily occurrence in populous and dangerous areas.

Now that I am here in America, I CAN NOT, not help but observe what lacks here and compare what we have from where I am from. In my country (Philippines), we have these;

1. Manned/Video/Metal detectors security in school campus.

- To me, it is always a good thing, not the most convenient on most days, but still, security that you can rely on to be there when things happen. Not be there when somebody already died and only look at the video surveillance to find the one who did the crime. So far, in all my years of stay in the Philippines, I have yet to hear about shooting in school incidents. At least when I left, I have not heard of such so far.

2. Manned/Video/Metal detectors security in shopping malls/groceries/even 7-Eleven stores.

- Yes, a waste of resources you say, that's money to you and life to us. I repeat, a little inconvenient, BUT it minimizes the possibilities of becoming a victim of senseless robbery and other crime. We have our bags checked at the entrance. It doesn't matter, it's not about customer service, it's about security measures we take to ensure a safe place for you to shop. And NO, we don't do CUSTOMER SERVICE to the people caught. We persecute.

While I appreciate all the measures taken by corporates to ensure a superior customer service, rules do not apply to stores in my county when one gets caught stealing.

3. House security.

Different areas, different measures. Well, we are still talking about my country here, and what we have. This concept applies the same in the US as well. I've never been to many states, but what I've seen on TV and where I live is enough for me to state an observation.

In my country, our houses (MAJORITY & AFFORDABILITY FACTOR APPLIES) have barred windows and doors. Equipped with double-locks, dogs, and sometimes armed security guards. AND YES, even with all that, crime still does happen.

When I first got here in America, I was VERY, VERY, VERY afraid. This is a force of habit. I saw the glass doors, and then the security alarms. What does that tell me? It is not safe here. It doesn't matter if there is the phone and you can dial 911. Too many things can happen and those few minutes that cops are on their way. In my country, I have my neighbors who will come to my rescue and wait with you until cops arrive.

Pessimist you say, that's fine. I have seen my share of crime where everything went wrong even with all the security measures were set up. So spare me your talk about exaggerating, this is America we are talking about and you also heard the things on the news everyday.

Glass doors and glass windows. When I pointed that out, one person told me, "This is America!" Exactly. People have more access to high tech weapons and gadgets. Other states have the same security measures we have in my country and they still get robbed, shot at, or killed.

Every one deserves to have a safe place to live or go to. Trusting and believing that majority of people are basically good, well, that's good, too and I want to believe that.


I love being here in America, don't take me wrong, I just couldn't help it and think that maybe IF ONLY they have some of the things we have from my county (or other countries), maybe things are not so bad after all.

In the Spirit of Thanksgiving

Photo is not mine, I don't know who owns it.

I have always been such a whiner in my mind. I get frustrated easily when things don't go my way, right away. Talk about instant gratification.

When facing troubled times, my first solution would be death, with the following litany every time when everything else gets too overwhelming, "I would like to die right now!" That goes for every thinkable problem that goes my way.

When I just recovered from that terrible fear I had a few days back, I would have never noticed all the blessings I have, and how better my life has become in many ways than I perceived it to be.

I only tend to see WHAT I AM NOT GETTING, and WHAT IS NOT GOING MY WAY. I never thought of the things that have been made possible just because of what I have right now.

In the respect and observance of Thanksgiving, here is a list of things that I am thankful for, to name a few;

For every waking moment, because I get to see everyone alive and well,
For a job that I can go to everyday, tiring may be at the end of the day, but tiring in the sense that I did something today.
For the challenges, they help me learn to grow and cope life.
For friends, real and fake. You get to learn how to keep the good ones.
For the laughter, a happy soul is equal to a full stomach.
For the shelter, food, and clothing. Others do not have them, just lost them, or can't afford them.

Whenever I would start whining to myself over trivial things and wish to die, I would look back and think that there are people in worse situations that I am in, and would gratefully exchange their fate in mine.

I will try, really try harder to have a grateful heart every time.

Ready to Jump Ship

Image credit here

The week before today, I was ready to bolt. My fear was so great, I haven't really thought of facing it. I just wanted to go away.

I made a mistake in one of my applications, and the end result of that would have been devastating if it was really a mistake. I wasn't ready for it. I couldn't face another failure. I prepared myself to pack my bags and call it quits.

When you have grown up in an environment where everything and everyone is on your back for the littlest, stupid thing they can see in you, you would become defensive. Always prepared for a comeback. Always have a back-up plan in case things go wrong.

That is how I think. I am always paranoid. Always suspicious. My thoughts ran to 100 mph, all because of one worry. Worry that almost drove me to the brink of madness by just thinking about it. I have thought of worst possible scenarios in my head. One thing is for sure, I was ready to go home and leave everything behind.

Courage prevailed, after all, I waited a long time to have what I have now, and 14 years seems worthy enough for one last fight. All it took was one phone call. No matter what the outcome, at least I tried to face it, and deal with it the best I can.

Very timely that I encountered this post in Facebook. I could have saved myself the trouble, the worry, and the possible heart-attack if I didn't jump into a thousand conclusions. All I needed was to ask. Less than five minutes, all my worries have dissolved. I was in tears for being so relieved.

Yesterday, I asked God about this problem. I asked for guidance, and help. No matter how hypocrite I have become, denying Him, doubting, He always come through, not always to my favor, but He does come through. Mostly to answer my questions.

Defining my Reality

I cannot compare my life to others, it would be unfair and incomparable. Everyone is in some kind of struggle. Sometimes, others are in deeper shit than I am.

At this point, I am in a a debilitating state of fear. One mistake, and everything that I worked hard to hold in my hand is going to dissolve like a bad dream.

14 years I have waited for this to become real. I cannot accept that this is going to be the end of my faith. I have several options to get going; Go back home, come back and start all over or I can simply just hang myself to die. That's how miserable I am feeling right now.

Selfish, yes. I cannot help it. If not for my son, I wouldn't even think of moving out of my bed. I just want to stay in there and sulk and hope that everything will go away. I know it won't, so here's to hoping.

My reality has always been about struggle, patience, persistence, and hard work. ALWAYS. The theme is never different but harder every time.

I wish I can understand what God wants me to understand so I can move on. I was out there, I was already moving ahead, so why now? why this?

I do not want to compare, but there are times when you are just tired of sucking it up, and when you turn your head to the other direction, you see other people who barely struggle for anything. Some don't even deserve it.

I wish that my jealousy and envy would just go away. It doesn't help when I have hit rock bottom like this. I work harder for the things I want to achieve. I don't expect things to get easier, but please can I just get a breather? Please?

I am questioning my faith of the Divine.

I believed in right and wrong. In angels and demons. I was brought to believe that in every sin, there is a corresponding karma. Not only I believe in that, I breathe it. It wasn't because it was taught to me. It is in my 34 years of wisdom living in this world that I have seen it, experienced it firsthand to claim that what I believe is true to me.

I am not a churchgoer. I have stepped back away from organized followings because there are too many things that contradict the teachings. That didn't stop me from believing in a Supreme God.

I always commune directly to Him. All my musings, frustrations, anger, longing, pleading, praying, anything, I spoke directly to Him. There was once that my prayers and questions are answered. That was before I came to where I am now.

Lately, there are too many things that has happened. Not all of them bad. I have my fair share of good moments. This recent event has rocked my reality so bad, it sent me scrambling to my catatonic state of mind. I can feel my depression looming again.

I always believed that all things happen for a reason. The answers are not readily available, but always revealed in time. Always.

I don't ever want to question His existence, because if I do so, then my so-called faith will be non-existent. Earlier, I asked myself, "What if He really doesn't exist?", that all my miseries and communication with Him were only a product of the belief that there is no such Being that exist?

Even by just thinking these thoughts are blasphemous to me. I contradict myself. More often, He answers my prayers. Not by giving me what I asked, but mostly giving me ANSWERS to all my doubts.

At this point, I can't hear Him. I am too drowned in my own misery. I can feel the dark looming overhead. I don't want it. I just needed answers.

I needed to get this all out before I start to go crazy. Right now, my heart is in-between a rock and a hard place. I need reassurance from Him that everything will be okay, that He hasn't left me.

I don't believe that I am brought to here, now, only to suffer be brought back to wherever hell I came from. I wanted to believe that He will get me through this. He always have.