Writer's Block

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It's been weeks since I have written something decent aside from my food blog. Even my food blog is suffering from my incapacity to write anything because I feel anxious about a lot of things.

The more I feel pressured about so many things, the more I keep things to myself, thus, I believe has led to this; Writer's Block.

The other night, try as I might to concentrate, I couldn't. I just couldn't bring myself to focus on one single thing. But watching one darn movie, tears began to flow, breathing began to constrict, and then I started crying like crazy, I just couldn't stop. At least I felt a little better and got my 'little' focus back.

Yesterday, I had to do many chores, and I have been procrastinating for a while. I started jotting down notes on things that I should do, procrastinate a bit, but then again, pushed myself to do one thing at a time. Wow, 93% of them were done yesterday.

I have a few more things to do, but this fear inside me in gnawing. It's hard to let go. This is something that I wanted so bad and I have to take a test for it. I am so afraid to fail. Which is, I can't really afford to fail. I have so many worries that are not beyond my control. Only this fear is limiting me from all these things. Writing is my ONLY outlet and if I can't write, then I feel stuck and full to a point of bursting.

I am glad I did jot down notes on things to do. It also helped that I decided to write a few words here just to give myself a go.

Christmas and my Wish List

I was at the gym today doing some treadmill exercise while watching this Elf movie. All of a sudden, this burst of sadness engulfed me, and I burst out crying heaps of tears. I cannot hold it back. I must have held it back for so long, trying to look strong that I can no longer take it anymore.

Silly as it may seem but when I saw that movie, for a moment there, I wished that Santa Claus was real. I didn't know why I wished that, because I didn't grew up believing in him. It would have been nice to live that child's dream that I never experienced.

IF Santa was real, I would have ask something real. I would wish for courage to see things through, for patience about everything that is unraveling in front of me, for work to continue so that I can earn and be able to support my son sufficiently without depending on anybody just to get through.

I wouldn't want to ask him for things. I can work on those to get them. I wish for more choices and not limitations.

There are so many if and buts, my mind is all confused and worked up, there's only that something in my heart that I wanted and need. It won't stop me from wishing and pursuing it, but I am hoping all this pain would stop.